If I post my Personal Statement here, will anybody help me..

Hello!

I am not a native English speaker! I am applying for a Master's degree program and I have written my Personal Statement already, but I need help to revise it.
So..If I post it here, will you help me to revise it and to say your comment and suggestions about it

I will be really very thankful to you if you help me! :)

I'm quite sure we can help you here if you post it :)

So....this is it! My Personal Statement!:)
As I said I am not a native English speaker and it was a bit hard for me, and I am sure that I have a lot of mistakes.
I know it is too long but I can't decide what to remove in order to shorten it!

I will appreciate your help, comments and suggestions! :)


Dear Sir or Madam,

Hereby I would like to express my keen interest in X University, and particularly in the Master program in Entrepreneurship and Strategy.

Since graduate study in obtaining a Master’s degree is an important step in my professional life, I do not want to make compromise on the quality of my education. In account of that I made a broad research, talked with alumni from different universities, and had conversations with the representatives at the International Education Fair in Y and World Education Fair in Y. The gathered information was good enough to understand that when it comes to quality education, (I have no doubt that) your University is the appropriate one for me, since it provides the right academic climate and a unique mix of educational advantages.

The Master’s degree program I have chosen – Entrepreneurship and Strategy, is not an accidental choice. It has provoked my interest because it falls within an area I am planning to improve myself in future. I come from a family background where everybody has its own businesses or work in the field of commerce. Being a daughter of an entrepreneur who is running an export company for the past 15 years, my inclination towards business began from early age. As a child I often went with my father to his office and spent hours watching how he was working, talking with colleagues and negotiating. At the age of sixteen, I began to assist him to deal with family business and accompanied him in business meetings. In addition to my help, I have always been keen on pursuing my own ideas and putting them into action for making money, from selling my lunch to my peers at age of seven; dusting the houses of my neighbours and walking their dogs at age of ten; to selling jewelleries, hand made by me, at age of fifteen. I could say it is in my blood and entrepreneurial activities have always been more than a hobby to me, but a way of life. I believe this were an extremely useful and a hugely insightful experiences into the world of business. They instilled in me the desire to own and manage my own business someday and from then on I knew I wanted to take my interest further

To gain a wider understanding of the business world, I enrolled in the Administrative and Business Management study course during my secondary education, where I have certainly absorbed the interest and fascination of how business and commerce works and I have developed a sound interest in economics. Therefore the prospect of being able to assert myself in business practice and intensify my passion for economics has led me to apply for a Bachelor’s degree in Economics with specialization in Trade. During my higher education so far, I have developed general problem-solving skills. The course has sharpened my ability to research independently, to analyze critically and to feel confident about tackling unfamiliar problems and debating issues with others.( It enabled me to develop the ability to formulate coherent argument and present it properly. This program not only broadened my horizon in academic field, but also helped me to develop the ability to plan my own work). In addition, my creativity, leadership, communication and presentation skills have been developed by doing all kinds of assignments, practices, projects and presentations. (Along with the skills I learned, the capacity of digesting large amounts of material quickly and being able to summarize effectively, stands out.)

I have had a work experiences that further enhance my qualifications for this program. Thus far, I have had the fortune of working in Y and the USA. Through my entire work experience I have learned to communicate effectively, to be a good a team-player and to work accurately under pressure.

While working as an administrative assistant in the Association of Advertising Agencies (AAA) in, besides my daily office duties, I participated in the organisation of six in total National Advertising Forums and Festivals, where I developed my organisation and problem-solving skills. I learnt to manage my time effectively and meet deadlines.
The time I spent in USA I worked at three national famous companies, one of them renowned worldwide, namely Dunkin Donuts. I had the chance to develop my self-confidence and independence, as well to became aware that the development of a good strategic plan is essential to the achievement of organisational goals.

Apart from my work experience, I have traveled a lot through Europe and major cities in USA. Comparing the lifestyles in each of the countries I have been, has helped me appreciate the difference in societies and the importance of adapting and integrating into each culture. My ability to integrate easily in foreign communities has provided me with the confidence to anticipate and even enjoy challenges abroad – a capability that could only benefit my future endeavors.

Given the confluence of my personal and professional interests, I have crystallized (set) my own goals. Attending a Master's program in Entrepreneurship and Strategy and will smooth the path to fulfill them. My life-long (or ultimate) professional goal is to carry on the business established by my father and develop it further by reaching much greater heights in scope, expanse, technology; boosting the company’s performance and maximizing the business results. To accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of/in Entrepeneurship, Strategy, Economics of Organisations, and Innovation. My education will be a valuable necessity in my plans of moving the company to the next level. (This will ultimately help me provide vital contributions to society and work in a way to expedite the advancement and betterment of my country.) Moreover, Y became a member of the European Union and as an EU country, there is a need of knowledgeable professionals who will assist the country in handling the requirements of the Union and stabilizing its economy. I would like to be a part of that process.

In my free time my interests and ambitions involve learning new things such as learning about different cultures and their lifestyles. I enjoy reading, keep updated with the news around the world, going out with my friends and making juwelleries. In near future I have a big interest in learning the Z languages and improve the ones I already know.

Your university provides the ideal business course, in my chosen subject area, which prepares for entering the business world. I know that attending X University will provide me with the foundation to fully realize my educational and career goals. I am confident that I have the necessary combination of self-motivation, background, personality and academic knowledge to succeed in the Master’s degree programme.

Thank you in advance for considering my application. It would be a great pleasure and honor for me if given a chance to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university.


Yours sincerely,

I hope there will be people that will help me!

Since this is the first time I am dealing with such kind of letters I have no idea if it shows my motivation to study the particular program.
Is it OK like that? Have I missed some points? I really need your help!!!

I know that it is too long, but cant decide what to remove :S

I would be really thankful to all of you for your help! :)

I will appreciate a simple comment if it will work! ;)

It's far too long. I got a couple of paragraphs in and started to get distracted by things going on in the office.

Please don't get me wrong if I sound critical here, but I am trying to approach this as if I were the person accepting people onto my course. Please bear in mind that there may be 100s of people applying for one position, I already have 3 pieces of work to mark, I haven't prepared for my next lecture and the builders have made a mess of my kitchen.

Some points here are irrelevant to the course, ie;

<The gathered information was good enough to understand that when it comes to quality education, (I have no doubt that) your University is the appropriate one for me, since it provides the right academic climate and a unique mix of educational advantages.> FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE

The second paragraph should be in bullet points, short snappy and to the point

Don't metion Dunkin Donuts, and if you want to talk about skills developed, make it sound as if you already had them and they were enhanced through certain experiences. It sounds here as if you didn't have any problem solving skills, confidence or independence at all until you were in the work force.

I understand what crystallized means, although in British English, it's spelt differently, there are a couple of other simple spelling errors, try running a spell check before you send it off.

In general, it goes on too long. The writing is very good, what is your first language and where is this 'Y' that you talk about? Like I('ve already said, try making it more direct and less 'waffly', but other than that, it is a good effort. Good luck on your second draft

Entrepreneurs are supposed to be confident and know how to do stuff for themselves, so why are you here whining like a baby looking for approval? Click your fingers and make some magic happen like entrepreneurs are supposed to do.

Thanks to Russ for his comment! :) Indeed this was my first try. I know that is too long and after reading it again there are too much sentences that don't bring any information. I am already changing it!

And about the comment of the Guest..well, don't be so rude! Isn't this the intention of the forums to help, nvm what about!

I needed help, as I said it is my 1st time writing such kind of letter, so I have troubles with it. I want to mention too many things, which makes it too long

Ow..and I am from Bulgaria that is why its harder for me because I have to write it in my not native language!!!!

Anyway thank you for your posts :)

No problems Mariana.

Feel free to put up any second drafts and any nice people will be willing to help. As for 'guests' comment, don't pay it any attention, I'm sure his negativity is a knock on effect from someone being mean to them

Is it true that in Bulgaria you shake your head when you mean yes and nod when you mean no?

Hi, Russconha! :)

Thanks for the nice words :)

I am preparing a new draft and very soon ill post it here for comments and advices!

:) Well....it is true that Bulgaria is famous for its upside down way of saying yes or no! but not always, of course you can meet such people. Actually it depends from the situation, and the way you are saying it. Myself I am saying it sometimes like that. I have a lot of foreign friends, and its funny when we speak and they see I say yes, but at the same time i show no! :)