Is this make any sense ?

I would like to apply for a master degree. Below is my personal statement of motivation. Could someone gives some suggestions/remarks about it ? Does it make any sense for you when you read it ? I hope I do not break this forum's rules

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the PDITM as my first step in pursuing the Master of MIT.

My education has not completed yet. I spent only 3 months at the University of [ABC], one of the elite universities in [ a-country ], because I received a scholarship from a French NGO to pursue my university study in France. After taking a French language course and various part-time jobs to practise it, I went to the University of [XYZ]. Unfortunately, the scholarship did not pay for the whole program, so my family needed to cover the cost. Before the end of the program, we had a very difficult situation which led me to leave that university to get a job. Despite the difficulties I face, my determination of obtaining a master degree will not falter.

My first job was as a Software Developer. This was the place where I put what I learned from university into practice, such as algorithm, programming technique, database, code optimisation, design, architecture, etc. When I was confronted with some technical issues, I searched solutions from books, articles, and various forums on the internet.
Despite the technical issues, I was challenged by the work relationship as well. How to contribute my knowledge to the team is another important skill for me to improve.
Over the years, I sharpened these best practices, and my career progressed. Despite this, somehow deep inside my mind, I was bothered by the thought that I still did not have a degree. So I took various training courses that increased my technical skills, more beneficial for the company I worked for.

I was hired by a software house company in [DDD] as a Technical Manager. I was not only involved in the software engineering aspect, but also on team development management and company related business aspects. With over 10 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, I do feel a need to see the context from a non-technical side. PMP was an option at that time. After 10 months of self-study, I'm now PMP Certified. That certification helped me a lot in dealing with various aspects of management. As I keep honing my skills on management, I came across the Agile Software Process Managements. One of those is Scrum, which I took the training in [LLL]. By having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified ScrumMaster ), I became more useful to my company and have been able to assume positions of greater responsibilities.

Despite those two certifications, I still have a thirst for additional business and management knowledge. I like a challenge, and I want to learn more about how to use technology to solve business and management problems, how to manage technology solutions, how to harness the talent in others, and how to think and lead strategically. A Master's degree will greatly increase my overall marketability, and enable me to pay off to my debt.

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [123]. Its academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that are flexible in helping me balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.

I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this programme. I would be grateful if my application for this programme is considered and accepted.

Yours faithfully,
*** ***

I would say "Does this make sense?"...

It looks like you are looking for a speaker of British English to help you judging from the way you use words.

"Its academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that are flexible in helping me balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities."

This isn't a sentence by itself. Perhaps you could look at the sentence which precedes this, change your punctuation, and come up with a way to use this in your paragraph.

It's understandable to me, but I am not familiar with the specific acronyms you use, so I hope that someone who IS, will check your work.

Hi K.T., thanks for your comment.
When you said "This isn't a sentence by itself", do you have any suggestions ?

The reason it's not a sentence by itself is because although there is a subject of the sentence, there is no verb.

All you have to do is this: change the full stop to a semicolon (;)

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [123]; its academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that are flexible in helping me balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.

One more error which I can see: "to pay off my debt" should be "to pay off my debt".

Change "to pay off TO my debt" to "to pay off my debt." as Caspian suggested.

<My education has not completed yet.>

"My education has not been completed yet" or "I have not completed my education" would be better, but it still would be a rather abrupt sentence.

<After taking a French language course and various part-time jobs to practise it, I went to the University of [XYZ].>

I don't know if you're applying to an American school (is MIT the school you're applying to, or does it stand for something else?), but you should be aware that "practise" is the British spelling (you use British spelling and wording other places as well). That's not to say you should change it, just that you should be aware of it. Also, when you say "practise it", "it" has no grammatically valid antecedent. One can deduce that you intended "French" to be the antecedent, but there's a bit of a grammatical issue in that it was previously used as an adjective, and the antecedent of a pronoun should be a noun. I would suggest that a better way of phrasing it would be: "After taking a course in French and various part-time jobs to practise it, I went to the University of [XYZ]."

<Despite the difficulties I face, my determination of obtaining a master degree will not falter.>

Should be "my determination to obtain".

<This was the place where I put what I learned from university into practice,>

<When I was confronted with some technical issues, I searched solutions from books, articles, and various forums on the internet.>

Do you really intend simple past? That would indicate that you are discussing a particular instance, rather than a repeated practice.

<Despite the technical issues, I was challenged by the work relationship as well.>

I get the sense that you are writing in response to a prompt that said something about "what are some of the weaknesses that you need to work on?" This paragraph might seem like a reasonable response to that prompt, but you should be aiming for an essay that makes sense on its own, rather than simply responding point by point to what they ask. Your attempt at a segue doesn't make much sense ("despite" implies opposition, but having technial issues and being challenged by the work relationship strike me as being similar, rather than opposite). Also, it's not clear what you mean by "the work relationship".

<How to contribute my knowledge to the team is another important skill for me to improve.>

Should be "Contributing my knowledge" rather than "How to contribute my knowledge". You might want to say "that I am working on" rather than "for me to improve".

<Over the years, I sharpened these best practices, and my career progressed.>

"Best practices" strikes me as awkward phrasing. Also, you don't say what these "best practices" are.

<So I took various training courses that increased my technical skills, more beneficial for the company I worked for.>

More beneficial than what?

<I was not only involved in the software engineering aspect, but also on team development management and company related business aspects.>

Since you intend "involved" to apply to both clauses, you should put it before the "not only". You should also add a definite article and a hyphen, and get rid of the "on": "I was involved not only in the software engineering aspect, but also the team development management and company-related business aspects."

<PMP was an option at that time.>

At what time? You seem to have trouble staying with a tense in this paragraph:

1. I was hired by a software house company in [DDD] as a Technical Manager.
2. I was not only involved in the software engineering aspect, but also on team development management and company related business aspects.
3. With over 10 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, I do feel a need to see the context from a non-technical side.
4. PMP was an option at that time.
5. After 10 months of self-study, I'm now PMP Certified.
6. That certification helped me a lot in dealing with various aspects of management.
7. As I keep honing my skills on management, I came across the Agile Software Process Managements.
8. One of those is Scrum, which I took the training in [LLL].
9. By having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified ScrumMaster ), I became more useful to my company and have been able to assume positions of greater responsibilities.

You start out in past tense, then in sentence 3, you jump to present tense, then go back to past in sentence 4. And in sentence 7, you switch from present to past in the middle of the sentence. Switiching tenses isn't always wrong, but it should be done carefully. Also, in sentence 7, put "management skills", rather than "skills on management". In sentence 8, put "for which I took training in [LLL]".

<I like a challenge, and I want to learn more about how to use technology to solve business and management problems, how to manage technology solutions, how to harness the talent in others, and how to think and lead strategically.>

You don't need all those how to's. English allows "parallel contructions", where one phrase is understood to apply multiple times. "I want to learn more about how to use technology to solve business and management problems, manage technology solutions, harness the talent in others, and think and lead strategically." This does then create the issue of ambiguity as to whether "technology" is included in the repeated phrase; you can move it to the end to remove that ambiguity.

<There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [123].>

You should switch the full stop, not to a semicolon as Caspian says, but to a full colon.

<Its academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that are flexible in helping me balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.>

Parallism again; just say "Its academic reputation, availability of an extensive range of courses, and online courses that are flexible in helping me balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities."

I appreciate for your suggestions and help. Credits go to all of you.

I have reworked the initial draft, which has around 560 words. The requirement is 500 words. Below is the modified version ( 483 words ):

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the PDITM as my first step in pursuing the Master of Management in IT.

I have not completed my higher education. I spent only 3 months at the University of [ABC], one of the elite universities in [ a-country ], because I received a scholarship from a French NGO to pursue my university study in France. After taking a French language course and various part-time jobs to practise that language, I went to the University of [XYZ]. Unfortunately, the scholarship did not pay for the whole program, so my family needed to cover the cost. Before the end of the program, we had a very difficult situation which led me to leave that university to get a job. Despite the difficulties I face, my determination to obtain a master degree will not falter.

With over 10 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, I am currently holding a position as a Technical Manager for a software house in [a-city]. I was involved not only in the software engineering aspect, but also the team development management and company-related business aspects. Unfortunately my knowledge on non-technical side was limited. I needed to learn about business and management. Project Management Professional ( PMP ) from Project Management Institute was one of the options. After 10 months of self-study, I'm now PMP Certified. That certification helped me a lot in dealing with various aspects of management. As I keep honing my management skills, I came across the Agile Project Managements. One of those is Scrum, for which I took training in [a-city]. By having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified ScrumMaster ), I became more useful to my company and have been able to assume positions of greater responsibilities.

Despite those two certifications, somehow deep inside my mind, I am still bothered by the thought that I do not have a degree, and I still have a thirst for additional business and management knowledge. I like a challenge, and I want to learn more about how to use technology to solve complex business and management problems, manage technology solutions, harness the talent in others, think and lead strategically, and understand how business is done internationally. I want to learn more knowledge that are complementary to PMP and CSM.

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [a-university]: its academic reputation, availability of an extensive range of courses, and online courses that are flexible in helping me balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.
A Master's degree will greatly increase my overall marketability and will allow me to become much more competitive in highly competitive IT job market.

I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this programme. I would be grateful if my application for this programme is considered and accepted.

Yours faithfully,
*** ***

What do you think ? Any suggestions, comments, etc ?
Thank you.