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Edits
I wrote a piece and someone in whose writing skills I have much confidence did some editing on it. Problem is, though I know some of my original sentences must have been awkward, I still can't grasp exactly what was wrong with them.
Here they are:
1- "He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose and briefly debated over skipping his approaching biology class."
Changed to: "He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose and briefly debated about skipping his approaching biology class."
2-"The internal debate didn't last long as it almost never did. The ruling came in favor of ditching class."
Changed to: "As always, the internal debate didn't last long. The ruling came in favor of ditching class."
3- "And how inappropriate would it be for me to be absent during the announcement that I'd requested for the event that I’m sponsoring."
Changed to: "And how inappropriate would it be for me to be absent during the announcement I'd requested for the event I’m sponsoring."
4- "The portraits depicted different stages of the his life: when his mother gave birth to him; as a young adult, when his uncle passed away, and others."
Changed to: "The portraits depicted different stages of the his life: when his mother gave birth to him; as a young adult, at the time his uncle passed away, and others."
5- "his level of frustration and disappointment was now through the roof."
Changed to: "his level of frustration and disappointment had now reached boiling point"
6- "his eyes began swelling with tears "
Changed to: "his eyes welled with tears"
7- "He breathlessly continued, unable to hold back his tears any longer."
Changed to: "He continued, out of breath and unable to hold back his tears any longer."
1- I think that the phrase "bridge of his nose" doesn't really add anything to the sentence. Also, there shouldn't be anything between "debated" and "skipping". "skipping his approaching biology class" is the direct object of "debated", and thus shouldn't take a preposition.
2-The phrase "as it almost never did" is rather awkward, and I see why your editor deleted it. If you want to include something along those lines, you can say "The internal debate, as usual, didn't last long". Also, be aware that "ruling" is a formal word and odd in this context, and you should pick a different word unless you intend the effect.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
4- Specifying that his mother gave birth to him is somewhat redundant; isn't that how most people come into the world? Usually, elements in a list are separated by commas. There are some cases where semicolons are appropriate, but I don't think that this is one. And if you do use semicolons, you have to use them throughout the list. Also, I think that you have to either reword the sentence or drop the reference to his uncle. The other items in the list refer to where he was in his life, whereas the uncle one is simply referring to an event in his life. Also, to make it coincide with the label "periods", I would make each one a noun ("when he was born" is an adverbial phrase, not a noun). I would suggest "The portraits depicted different periods of the his life: his birth, early adulthood, and so on".
5- I think that "level" is redundant. Depending on the context, "now" might be as well. "Frustration" is an emotion for which going up (and therefore through the roof) is a natural metaphor, but disappointment isn't really something that goes up. In fact, disappointment means that your hopes are going down. I don't see that "boiling point" is an improvement, though. You might want to drop the metaphor entirely. "his frustration and disappointment were extreme", for instance.
6- "swells" means getting bigger, so unless the tears were engorging his eyeballs, it doesn't make much sense.
7- I think that I'd have to see the context to give much comment on this one.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
3- Normally I prefer including the word "that", but in this case it does flow a bit better without it.
I WILL FUCK YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME FAGGOT!
It is unfortunate that people are rude and unpleasant. When I correct people's writing submissions in Livemocha, I do so without looking to see what other people have done. After I have correcting a Submission whether 'Writing' or 'Audio' I will then see if other people have spotted the same mistakes.
I would imagine that most people would spot the same mistakes, but the potential solutions may be different. Also, the explanations for the mistakes may be different.
Personally I think that it is helpful to learn from more than one source. I think that way you gain a greater understanding.
1- "He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose and briefly debated over skipping his approaching biology class."
Personally, I think that this sentence is fine and I would not change it.
Changed to:
"He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose and briefly debated about skipping his approaching biology class."
This is not a correction that I would have made.
I would be interested to see the comments of someone who knows what they are talking about - like Uriel.
IT IS ALSO UNFORTUNATE THAT I AM A COCKSUCKING, NIGGERLOVING, LIBTARD THAT HIRES ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO FINGER ME IN THE ASS AS I MASTURBATE IN THE SHOWER!
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